hug it out, bitch.

i don't care if you cry and cut, but you gotta cry and cut.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 05:12:06 GMT

i feel restless. hopeless. meaningless. motionless.

it's been a month. and i have suppressed the urge to call him. only two more months. then i will be calling him on my birthday and asking him to make the wild turkey noise and bring me the baked dessert he owes me.

every day i think about just driving my car to chicago and running away to him. i know that i would never do it. i know that it would never work. i know that everything we once had is now nothing.

onto another subject, i hate my tendancy to fall for my best friend. not even my best friend. just my current closest guy friend. no matter how jokingly mean he is to me. no matter how much younger than me he is. no matter how many secrets he keeps from me. i don't know what it is about him. maybe the fact that someone already thought we were together. maybe the fact that we pretend to go out. but it just makes my heart flutter every time he smiles or laughs. or when his message woos me with his bad grammar when he tells me i'm cute. or when he calls me "sweetie" or "honey" because he's the only person who does. and now i find myself doing the typical, desperate, stupid me things. fishing for compliments. overreacting. he said if i ended up moving to santa barbara, he would be killing two birds with one stone. meaning he would come visit me. and just the thought of that makes me nervous.

all of his accusations were right. i was flirting with him and i didn't even know it. our conversations are better. and i find myself more energetic, more excited and happier when i'm around him.

long time, no see, journal.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 06:05:12 GMT

so...i sent away his package about two weeks ago and have yet to hear from him. maybe he didn't like the tape. maybe he didn't like the card. maybe they made him feel uncomforatble. maybe he just has too much to do. but no matter how much i want to, i'm not going to contact him. it's all his choice from here. i may be waiting around for a package in the mail for nothing, or waiting for a call or even a text message, but no matter what, i will not be the first to say anything. and even though i haven't heard from him, he haunts me in my dreams. the other night, i dreamt that i came home and a giant cardboard box was waiting for me. it was postmarked and taped and labeled. i opened it only to find every toy from my childhood. princess games, my little pony, polly pocket...and even toys i never had, woody and buzz lightyear toy story dolls, some sort of white drum with pink and purple hearts on it, and my favorite: a family of stuffed gerbils. i have no idea what this dream meant, but i remember waking up and wishing it would never end.

i'm also on my way to becoming a hippie. it's going to be a slow conversion though.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:56:39 GMT

i have found myself a winner.

on sunday morning after spending our first hour apart after spending the last like....72 hours together, james came galloping into my house with:

and

he is the best ever in the entire world. because this weekend was amazing. but now i'm lonely. fuck san luis.

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 20:33:03 GMT

so...i have a lot to say? i guess? or rather i've been up to a lot. i started school. i have lots to do and little time to do it in. james is moving in two weeks and i have presents to make him. i also have mix tapes to make for numerous people and clothes to alter.

last weekend james and i went to the aquarium. it was the first time i had been there in about six years. it was fun. we saw all the sharks! it was fuckin metal! i also bought a sea otter backpack. it's adorabe and it's soft, but it's also really small. so i'm going to cut it open and take out some of the stuffing so i can fit more in there. soon it will be the envy of everyone at school. haha.

the other day, russell, ricky, james and i were all enjoying coffee at starbucks when we decided we were quite hungry. ricky then proposed a game we would play. i would be the really skinny hungry girl and i would have to decide where we would eat. i was deemed "hungrela." then russell, ricky and james would all be knights in shining armor on white horses to save me and fend off any dangers. but i had to go on a hungrelot...a quest to determine where to eat. needless to say, it was hours of fun. and russell and ricky left so james and i ate jack in the box and started watching gummo. also, we made rice krispie treats with his mom. it was cute.

also, a few weekends ago, i had to go see my grandma in oroville. i was happy to find out that we were staying in a hotel instead of at my grandma's house...then i discovered it was a casino! there was a jacuzi bath tub in the room and my mom, brother and the hyna and i all got drunk. but alas, the weekend sucked because it meant 12+ hours cramped in the backseat of a car.

but here are some pictures i picked up along the way:

when my brother saw me, he asked if i was going to fly a plane.

i like to eat james

and he likes to kiss me

so i'm talking to amber right now and she's telling me about why farrell is being so immature. and it's just making me angry. and i really want my stuff back from his house. ugh.

i think i'm going to go watch forrest gump. or...some other movie. haha.

i'm back.

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 07:38:19 GMT

quality things i bought in hawaii:

1. new diesel sunglasses

it was about time.

2. dior earrings

it was about time. and though it may look like i have a beard in that picture, i really don't.

3. rasta bathing suit

let the rasta invasion begin.

4. slut shirt

letting the inner whore inside me come out and say hello

5. jack daniels zippo

i look bad ass lighting my camels with this baby.

so...hawaii was fun and stuff. i bought james a bunch of neat things and gave them to him last night when i got to town at about 12:30. he then surprised me with a shirt from the journey concert and copies of rushmore and the royal tenenbaums, both criterion collection. yay. to say it bluntly, things are happening between us. and it feels good. i have a lot more i'd like to say but can't scrounge up the words to do so. tomorrow i take my senior portraits and i'm nervous, but for now i'll continue watching this is spinal tap.

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 08:14:32 GMT

this last week has been a mess of: hella tripod coffee and cigarettes, lesbians and mischa barton with sarah, drinking at russell's, drinking at clare's, smoking with peter and discussing our uncanny similarities, cuddling cuddling cuddling, trading head massages for back massages, BEING A SHIESTY-ASS MOTHER FUCKER, getting in trouble, more cuddling, and having "breakfast" with a minister.

i couldn't be happier.

on friday night, we sat on russell's couch and giggled like asian school girls for 45 minutes straight.

we also drank from goblets.

hi, we're a tripod and we're fuckin kick ass

i'll probably make a picture update soon.

nothin but hugs.

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 08:54:46 GMT

what we did tonight.

last night they took me to indian summer for the first time and i participated in the hookah-action for the first time ever too. we drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and we are amazing.

i can't get over how much i fucking love the tripod.

pinky promises and cigarettes

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 22:24:36 GMT

so last night was matt's party. it was...interesting? i spent practially the whole time with the new (and by new i mean most recent) flame and we shared the futon together. hah. however, aside from curling up in the bottom corner of the bed due to him being a complete bed hog, he also managed to elbow me in the back of the head, then take that elbow and smother me with it, preventing me from breathing. so...i think he might like me? then again maybe not? but i think my chances may be pretty good? ugh, what am i saying, i'm probably just imagining things. he was really mean to me because apparently it was "make kelli(e) feel like shit" night. but then he would apologize and hug me to death...? and when i was trying to sleep i was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me with his hand somewhat near my breast...?

in other news, i feel like a completely haggard bitch right now. i'm upset and hurting and my whole body is just weak. i want to die.

concerning boys

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 09:04:06 GMT

so...um...i have a new crush on someone? he's not really attractive but really totally adorable at the same time? and um...it can potentially be really really bad? but perhaps it will fade away because maybe the whole seed of it is just that he gives me attention. so i dont know. then again it feels kinda good. because we're totally cute to each other and stuff. maybe it will just be a fun summer thing...i don't know.

[edit]
so, zaq, becky and charles just got here...and charles is really hot? i gathered that from the video when he was covered in yellow paint wearing a loin cloth, but he's even sexier in person. and he has dark circles under his eyes and smokes. he completely just wooed me. oh, and i'm cutting jason's hair on sunday and i caught tara's kinda-hot cousin staring at me a few times tonight...?

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 07:42:08 GMT

it feels like today was just a lot of pain. lonely, desperate, sullen pain. i'm averaging 2.5 bowls of ice cream a day. hello, depression. the longest i talked to someone today was for four minutes. i'm getting killer headaches from lack of coffee.

i started considering going to his house and dropping off the stuff i still have. that including two sweatshirts, animal house, orange county, what about bob?, the student*rick cd, and his house key. and perhaps i could get the things i left at his house; my bathing suit, my navy hoodie (which i'm sure is long lost), and wayne's world 2. the thing is that i just really dont want to give him orange county back. haha. and i'll miss seeing the leopard print key on my key ring. and i still have our picture on my night stand. i dont know why. i think mostly because i dont know what to do with it. whether to destroy it or toss it somewhere under my bed. i just keep burying it under things like fingernail clippers and chapstick.

today i listened to the mix i made for him (this being the other "him" who is far, far away). it hurt listening to the songs that i have infused with feelings, memories and longings for him. and i didnt realize it when i first made it, but it proved to be an exact repertoire of how i feel for him. the songs that i had put on the happier side i put on there just because the sounds would blend together and how they made me feel, now i see the little messages that those songs sent too. and they fit. i've been trying to think of other tapes i can make for him to send back once i receive his package. god, how badly i want it to just be here already, but i have the feeling it hasn't even left yet.

i need cigarettes. really badly.

summertime at brunch time!

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 07:13:14 GMT

wow. the last...four days have been ridiculously amazing.

in brief: saturday i was at james' house until three in the morning. sunday night i made an impromtu drive to kyle's house to go swimming. monday i spent the afternoon in monterey hopping on rocks at the tide pools with russell. this morning i had a ren dez vous. and now peter is telling me he wants to make out with me.

haha fuckin awesome.

summertime is any time!

"...a bruce lee movie."

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 10:36:49 GMT

it's three thirty in the morning.

i just got home.

and i'm going to be up for at least another hour.

i absolutely adore james.

his house is endlessly entertaining.

and i love ricky and russell.

my body aches because all i had for dinner was two fork-fulls of rice and a half a can of chicken noodle soup.

and tiny dancer by elton john is officially the theme song of my life.

i really do kind of love life right now...

there's just one element keeping it from being perfect.

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 01:18:49 GMT

i'm back from los angeles.

i just want to see some palm trees

me and zaq appropriately dressed for a day of museums in one of the back alleys of china town

us at the los angeles county museum of art

the FUCK YEAH! fest craziness ensued by the mean reds.

daniel standing in the elevator of the bradbury building

the entrance of the bunny museum!...yay for edward scissorhands!

how would you feel if every morning, the first thing you saw when you woke up was this?

in the backyard: numerous decaying bunny heads from floats

the couple who live in the bunny museum. attractive.

to display our patriotism on the fourth of july, zaq and i drew a t-rex stretched across the street being punched in the face by abe lincoln.

close up.

i looooove abraham lincoln!

interesting things i observed in my hiatus to the city of angels:
1. a man who closely resembled owl-eyes from the great gatsby sat behind me at the italian restaurant on friday night
2. a license plate that read "kellen"...kellen being MY nickname.
3. a penis!!! haha. and a bassist being sexually pleasured while playing a song! the fuck yeah! fest was amazing.
4. more hipsters in one place than i could ever imagine possible
5. the tim hawkinson art exibit, consisting of sculptures made of finger nails and paintings done on an egg-crate mat
6. a miniature model of napoleon standing in the eye of a typical needle

current reading list (i'm on a real sex and drugs kick this summer):
1. sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman, a low culture manifesto (now with a new middle)
2. on the road by jack kerouac, a beat generation classic, exposing humanity of sex and drugs
3. einstein's dreams by alan lightman, a fictional collage of stories dreamed by einstein in 1905
4. choke by chuck palahniuk, a story of a man who pretends to choke in classy restaurants so people will "save" him and send him money used to pay for his mother's elder care
5. a gesture life by chang-rae lee, i have no idea what it's about, assigned for english class
6. the virgin suicides by jeffrey eugenides, the tale of five sisters and lost of innocence
7. a clockwork orange by anthony burgess, an exploration of the meaning of free will and the conflict between good and evil
8. fear and loating in las vegas by hunter s. thompson, a savage journey to the heart of the american dream (through clouds of sex and drugs. haha)

yay. i don't have much else to say. i'm off to read.

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 09:06:29 GMT

today has just been oodles of excitement.

1. i woke up and there were police cars and fire trucks everywhere. apparently, a suicidal lesbian down the street from me set her house on fire. and she was sitting in the backyard drugged up with a gun in her lap. supposedly all the chaos started around nine this morning. and the block was still taped off around one this afternoon. i heard that she shot herself in the face, and my mom said the coroner was there around five. crazy.

2. since my nasty pervy neighbors kept me from washing my car in the front yard, i retreated to the backyard. where i laid in the sun and continued reading sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs. good stuff. very good stuff.

3. around five thirty, i get a surprise call from daniel saying he will bring my present over, and also asking me if i would like to go to the movies. he picks me up fifteen minutes later, and we're off. he gave me a big blue shotglass from new york. it was sweet. then we went to sam's and sam took us to monterey. we all ate tasty mexican food, enjoyed coffee, then went to see the movie. which was pretty funny. then we left. haha.

4. right as i'm settling down when i get home, i get another surprise call from peter, saying that they were having a little get together at zach's and they wanted me to go. excited to see my boys again, i hurry out the door. then i arrive at the cock party. it included zach, peter, ricky, kyle, justin and joey. i was the only girl. it was great. i absolutely love each of those boys to pieces with the exception of joey. he made me feel uncomfortable. but i had fun on the couch with peter, and ricky said that he would call me all the time now. it felt really good to be with them again.

so now i'm here, lonely. listening to sad songs that remind me of him. wishing i had someone to talk to. someone to hold me.

list of things to do tomorrow:
+ call jeanne and get my pay check
+ tell her that i can't teach over the summer. hah.
+ wash car
+ clean inside of car
+ finish packing shoes
+ smoke as many cigarettes as possible before i go insane.

life is sort of awesome right now.

i can't stop.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 07:35:08 GMT

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
the 311 part.

2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
leftover chicken or tacos.

3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
harriet the spy

4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
anything to fix my face. or suck out the fat from my inner thighs

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
bugs as big as my hands crawling up my bed under the sheets by the millions

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
lack of eye contact. hands in pockets. mumbling.

7. Do you like to be on the top or bottom?
bottom

8. Do you have too many love interests?
maybe one too many.

9. Do you know anyone famous?
no. damn it.

10. Describe your bed:
big, fluffy, and amazing. and white.

11. Spit, swallow or gargle?
spit

12. Who would play you in a movie?
sarah says rachel bilson.

13. Do you know how to play poker?
yep.

14. What do you carry with you at all times?
phone, wallet, cigarettes, chapstick/lipgloss

15. When did you lose your virginity and did you regret it?
sixteen

16. Are you happy with your given name?
it's okay. i would be happier if my name was stella though.

17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
i don't care.

18. If you could only fulfill one of your fantasies, which would it be?
right now, it would be for things to work in our favor.

19. What was the last song you were listening to?
direction by interpol

20. Where is the most public place you have ever had sex?
hahahahahahhaha

21. Have you ever been in love?
yes.

22. Do you talk a lot?
"cute sounding squeaks"

...what happened to 23...?

24. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
yes, for the most part.

25. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
considering i dont have a boyfriend, it would have to be friends.

26. What is your ideal marriage location?
mix between a lush green garden and the beach at sunset.

27. How many sex toys do you have and which is your favorite?
zero.

28. Favorite fabric?
cashmere

29. Something you love and hate?
my mom. haha.

30. Have you ever been tied up in your bed?
haha no.

31. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
sarah.

32. What's the one language you want to learn?
german or french.

33. How do you eat an apple?
peeled and sliced

34. What do you order at a bar?
i don't go to bars.

35. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
no.

36. Do you have tattoos?
no

37. What is your drug of choice?
triple iced caramel macchiatos and red bull.

38. What's one trait you hate in people?
how they're fuckin annoying.

39. Ever had same-sex sex?
no. michelle and i kiss though.

40. What was your most frivolous purchase?
umm...i guess my dior watch. yeah.

41. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
of course.

42. What do you cook the best?
ramen and creme brulee

43. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
in between.

44. What kind of books do you like to read?
witty, sharp books.

45. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
go shopping.

46. Burial or cremation?
make a diamond out of me!

47. Do you have a fetish?
pelvis lines and shaggy hair

48. What's one thing you're a loser at?
being me

49. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
depends on what the drink is.

50. Do you think you're cute?
i'd do me.

haha, it's funny...i just blew all of the twenty-dollar itunes gift card he gave me on the band he hates.

update number two of day one.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 05:05:29 GMT

the long awaited phone call was just received. it was nice. it was short...but nice. it felt good. and feelings were reassured. which made me feel even happier. he appreciated everything i sent him. everything being a revised tape and a letter. haha. he said that it would be hard to top what i sent him, yet i'm racking my brain now to think of something to send back to him after i receive his mail. hehe. he said to expect something soon. l;sg roaigoainghkla i love him. i really wish that there weren't so many layers to this complication. even he said so too. if only we were in the same town and conditions were working our way. we could potentially be really happy together. i'm really glad that things are still good, too. i got scared last night of...well, the usual i guess. loss of interest. i started freaking out and worrying. that's what i get for being a pessimist. but alas, what i expected to happen didn't, something three million times better did! he said that he would kill my neighbors for me, and i said that i would take care of him if he had tb. it's a match made in heaven, i swear.