i don't care if you cry and cut, but you gotta cry and cut. [23 Feb 2006|09:00pm] [ mood | emaciated ] [ music | bright eyes / lua ] i feel restless. hopeless. meaningless. motionless. it's been a month. and i have suppressed the urge to call him. only two more months. then i will be calling him on my birthday and asking him to make the wild turkey noise and bring me the baked dessert he owes me. every day i think about just driving my car to chicago and running away to him. i know that i would never do it. i know that it would never work. i know that everything we once had is now nothing. onto another subject, i hate my tendancy to fall for my best friend. not even my best friend. just my current closest guy friend. no matter how jokingly mean he is to me. no matter how much younger than me he is. no matter how many secrets he keeps from me. i don't know what it is about him. maybe the fact that someone already thought we were together. maybe the fact that we pretend to go out. but it just makes my heart flutter every time he smiles or laughs. or when his message woos me with his bad grammar when he tells me i'm cute. or when he calls me "sweetie" or "honey" because he's the only person who does. and now i find myself doing the typical, desperate, stupid me things. fishing for compliments. overreacting. he said if i ended up moving to santa barbara, he would be killing two birds with one stone. meaning he would come visit me. and just the thought of that makes me nervous. all of his accusations were right. i was flirting with him and i didn't even know it. our conversations are better. and i find myself more energetic, more excited and happier when i'm around him. <3

long time, no see, journal. [06 Feb 2006|09:51pm] so...i sent away his package about two weeks ago and have yet to hear from him. maybe he didn't like the tape. maybe he didn't like the card. maybe they made him feel uncomforatble. maybe he just has too much to do. but no matter how much i want to, i'm not going to contact him. it's all his choice from here. i may be waiting around for a package in the mail for nothing, or waiting for a call or even a text message, but no matter what, i will not be the first to say anything. and even though i haven't heard from him, he haunts me in my dreams. the other night, i dreamt that i came home and a giant cardboard box was waiting for me. it was postmarked and taped and labeled. i opened it only to find every toy from my childhood. princess games, my little pony, polly pocket...and even toys i never had, woody and buzz lightyear toy story dolls, some sort of white drum with pink and purple hearts on it, and my favorite: a family of stuffed gerbils. i have no idea what this dream meant, but i remember waking up and wishing it would never end. i'm also on my way to becoming a hippie. it's going to be a slow conversion though. <3

[20 Sep 2005|06:54pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | deathcaaaaaaaaaaaab ] i have found myself a winner. on sunday morning after spending our first hour apart after spending the last like....72 hours together, james came galloping into my house with: and he is the best ever in the entire world. because this weekend was amazing. but now i'm lonely. fuck san luis. <3

[04 Sep 2005|01:13pm] so...i have a lot to say? i guess? or rather i've been up to a lot. i started school. i have lots to do and little time to do it in. james is moving in two weeks and i have presents to make him. i also have mix tapes to make for numerous people and clothes to alter. last weekend james and i went to the aquarium. it was the first time i had been there in about six years. it was fun. we saw all the sharks! it was fuckin metal! i also bought a sea otter backpack. it's adorabe and it's soft, but it's also really small. so i'm going to cut it open and take out some of the stuffing so i can fit more in there. soon it will be the envy of everyone at school. haha. the other day, russell, ricky, james and i were all enjoying coffee at starbucks when we decided we were quite hungry. ricky then proposed a game we would play. i would be the really skinny hungry girl and i would have to decide where we would eat. i was deemed "hungrela." then russell, ricky and james would all be knights in shining armor on white horses to save me and fend off any dangers. but i had to go on a hungrelot...a quest to determine where to eat. needless to say, it was hours of fun. and russell and ricky left so james and i ate jack in the box and started watching gummo. also, we made rice krispie treats with his mom. it was cute. also, a few weekends ago, i had to go see my grandma in oroville. i was happy to find out that we were staying in a hotel instead of at my grandma's house...then i discovered it was a casino! there was a jacuzi bath tub in the room and my mom, brother and the hyna and i all got drunk. but alas, the weekend sucked because it meant 12+ hours cramped in the backseat of a car. but here are some pictures i picked up along the way: when my brother saw me, he asked if i was going to fly a plane. i like to eat james and he likes to kiss me so i'm talking to amber right now and she's telling me about why farrell is being so immature. and it's just making me angry. and i really want my stuff back from his house. ugh. i think i'm going to go watch forrest gump. or...some other movie. haha. <3

i'm back. [09 Aug 2005|12:33am] [ mood | a whole new class, baby ] [ music | spinal tap ] quality things i bought in hawaii: 1. new diesel sunglasses it was about time. 2. dior earrings it was about time. and though it may look like i have a beard in that picture, i really don't. 3. rasta bathing suit let the rasta invasion begin. 4. slut shirt letting the inner whore inside me come out and say hello 5. jack daniels zippo i look bad ass lighting my camels with this baby. so...hawaii was fun and stuff. i bought james a bunch of neat things and gave them to him last night when i got to town at about 12:30. he then surprised me with a shirt from the journey concert and copies of rushmore and the royal tenenbaums, both criterion collection. yay. to say it bluntly, things are happening between us. and it feels good. i have a lot more i'd like to say but can't scrounge up the words to do so. tomorrow i take my senior portraits and i'm nervous, but for now i'll continue watching this is spinal tap. <3

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